 | | |
| | |
|
Spaces home  †Ḩ WÄ¥ Úþ Ì †HÌñK .......PhotosProfileFriends |  Tools   |
|
January 28 NOT AS DAFT AS FACEBOOK ....Dya reckon this is Plod's idea of havin' a larf ...?? Star Wars is older than them. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. They have always had an answering machine They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They have always had CD's, never records. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? January 14 NONSENSE TO AMUSEThese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the best first - they go downhill after this one! ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And an update on my baby Lucy ... September 30 Thought You All Might Find This Titterworthy!A present for your Aunt Fanny but I haven't seen any on special offer in TkMaxx yet .... !!  September 02 MEET LUCYMy little diamond in the sky - my NOO baby Jack Russell Terror! She is just so full of joy and life! Magical mayhem reigns in her presence with an aura of mischief prevailing wherever she goes ....  Wotta little smart arse she is too - compact and bijout, loving and loyal, unpredictable and unruly, feisty and female - an endless source of energy and entertainment.  Most of all she NEEDS me just as much as I need her and it feels so good to be wanted and needed by such a helpless little picklesome creature.  AND I LOVE HER TO BITS !! If you'd like to see her in motion then just take a peek at this vid I've done of Little Miss 15 Weeks Worth of Trouble .... !! June 08 TROPICAL FRESH AIR WITH BAPS THROWN IN !!Just a couple or three very short vids - Roger's UK woodland tweety birds .... or be they tropical rain forest barmyburds ?? And someone's idea of the sweetest smelling forest air .... !! ( A la furry tree-rat style ... naughty squirrel saves the day heehee-larious!!) AND ... I just couldn't resist this guy trying not to crack his face - Didya ever see Baps like these .... ?? Visit Dodge to get the answer on the birdies.... May 27 WELL I KNOW THAT I'M THE WRONG SIDE OF 55 .....And I know that I'm counting down the days to picking up my bus-pass and getting free prescriptions - if I last that long!!
And I know all us more senior gels ( or should I say sluts... ??!) like to show that we can still cut the mustard and get away with murder in the clothes and body adornment department - But honestly Tinkergrannybell you really do look bloody redickylus - if you're going to wear that gear for goodness sake make it the real McCoy and preferably tone up that body of yours first! - (or at least get the pictures edited right so we can't see all the joins!!)  But then again - you gotta hand it to her - full marks for bottle or should I say balls  And she does look a lot healthier and more real than this wannabe size double minus zero ....  Who really oughta be wearing a one-peice with a sarong - or better still - a sack? That goes for the fella too!! March 26 URGENT POLL !!LONDON SKYLINE 2012
 PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO CAST YOUR VOTE<
Evening Standard Poll
Ken Livingstone is planning to use tax payer's money to build an enormous mosque costing an estimated 100M in the docklands. What do you think about it? Wouldn't it be better to spend the money on a new hospital or improved transport facilities?? BIGGER THAN ST PAULS!!! The plan is for the mosque to be so big that people flying in from all over the world for the 2012 Olympics will it see it as the biggest landmark in London, bigger than St Pauls, Westminster Abbey or Wembley Stadium
Take a second to cast your vote in The Evening Standard on-line poll to determine public opinion about whether a mega mosque should be built for the Olympics.
The vote so far is 62 % in favour.
It looks like the Muslim community is casting its vote in droves, and as usual the Christians are burying their heads in the sand....
After voting, please tell as many people as you can. Here's the link:http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/poll/poll-18791-details/ques-18669-id/%C2%A3100m+mosque%3A+Vote+now/poll.do
March 21 LATEST RATED RIDDLES
February 05 VOTED LAST YEAR'S TOP MEN (Though God knows why)These Women are loved and honoured, cherished and nurtured, protected and made safe by their valiant and gentlemanly guys .... I don't fink so - It's still most definitely a Man's World !        So which one would YOU choose then girls? Personally - I'd shoot all three of the slobs! January 31 NOT REALLY A MUCKY VIDEO ....Just needs a bit of stain-remover that's all .... and boys will be boys - (apologies for the bad taste ..) - Products like this bring a whole new dimension to wash-day !! January 30 WHOOPEE MSN EMBED VIDEO AT LAST !!HOORAH! How long has it taken MSN to catch up with all the other blog sites ... ?? Embedded flash-players in blogs at last! So there was no need to install all their poxy video gadgets after all ... guess I'm the plonka as usual then! MIND BOGGLINGIs there something wrong with my peepers but that one in the bottom right corner won't move for me ... ??  January 15 SERIOUSLY ?You couldn't make it up could ya ? I mean - chapatti flour and hair peroxide ? Do we all really want to know how to blow ourselves up? Or should I just put it in my recipe book for later ..... November 17 I DON'T WANNA GET POLLYTICKLE BUT ...Could this be a possibility?
TV SCHEDULE 2010
ONLY AVAILABLE ON SKY DIGITALIBAN 06.00 G-HadTV - Morning Prayers
08.30 Talitubbies - Ah-Lah J)ipsy & Tinky Winky repair a Stinger missile. 09.00 Shouts of Praise More Prayers 11.00 Jihads Army - The Kandahar-on-sea battalion repel another attack by evil imperialist, Zionist infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady Jihadi Celebrities make lethal devices from everyday objects. 12.45 Panoramaniacs Reports on America's attempt to rule the world, ha ha ha. 13.30 Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife Xena stays at home and cooks.
14.00 JO Only Fools And Camels - Del-Boy offloads some reject Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 15.00 Green Peter - The total number of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed
15.30 Madrasah Challenge - Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions, 'starter for ten, no praying'. 16.00 I Love 629 - A look back at the year, including the Prophets entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.30 Question Time - Members of the public face questions from Political & Religious fanatics, and subsequent death by stoning, for incorrect answers. 17.00 Middle Eastenders - The entire cast is jailed for un-islamic behaviour. 17.30 Koranation Street - Dreardre faces execution for adultery. 18.00 Holiday - The team go on a pilgrimage to Mecca, again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets - Will the Koran still be No. 1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who Wants to be A Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah' or ask the Islamic council? 20.00 Film: Shariahs Angels - The three burkha-clad sleuths go under cover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother - Who will be evicted from the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes - More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidels. 23.30 They Think Its Allah Over - concluding in the 'don't feel the Mullah'. 00.00 When Imams Attack - Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 00.30 The West Bank Show - Arts programme explores the rising popularity in anti-Israeli graffiti in the occupied territories. 01.00 JO Bhuffi The Infidel Slayer - See Bhuffi behead infidels. 02.30 Book at Bedtime - The Koran again. Close. SERIOUSLY THOUGH DO WE THE INDIGENOUS REALLY HAVE ANY SAY IN HOW THIS BLOODY COUNTRY IS RUN ANYMORE?
Proportional representation? Neh ... More like religious intervention! Be accommodating and cater for all but let us not forget our heritage and deny our own culture.
October 30 TOPICAL ....I'm saying absolutely nothing ... no comment whatsoever .... only except perhaps maybe just WHAT is the point?
Addendum: Second from the left has suspicious footwear going on .... could this be a fella? September 24 TAME TITTER TRIVIA FOR YOUR AMUSEMENTTrue Sexual Laws
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Super!!) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Though not as great as Guam!) RABBI & THE TAXMAN At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick". ALTERNATIVE TERMINOLOGY TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks
SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person
TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women September 10 BLOKES' COOKING - WEEKEND CHEFS - KITCHEN WARSSo what is a real cook then Mr.Ramsay ... ?? The week-ender or the dependable all-year-rounder? No Flipin Contest!
How the majority of blokes approach cooking: - (well some of them at any rate ..!)
Once or twice a year when they feel like playing they set foot in the kitchen to "make a creation" ... sporting appropriate pinnies and headgear of course - they use every utensil in the house to fry an english brekky whilst covering all available surfaces with stuff and greasy mess ...
 ... Injure themselves and possibly others during the process if you're particularly unlucky; then after much tossing and pan-waggling and general piddling about, dish up the resultant passable offering as being a masterpeice saying "Easy peasy this cooking lark" then bog off to leave the debris for their scivvies to clear up!  On your bike Gordon Ramsay - Stop creating a Kitchen-Gender-War - There's room for us BOTH in the hell-hole!! - The only reason most women aren't taking to the kitchen anymore is because they have to juggle coping with the kids, shopping, washing, ironing AND go to work as well !! They don't have time to be creative - just get the food done efficiently and on the bloody table. Indeed secretly, blokes would PREFER to be 'occasional' cooks anyway and BTW this missive in no way reflects the behaviour of MY partner of course who is exempt from that particular league of gentlemen .... having said that - I have been toying with this as an idea for the store-cupboard ....  September 02 JUST AN UPDATE SO I DON'T GO STAGNANT!Oh my dear Desmond drill did me proud yesterday - and no - he's not a Black n Decker !! He's a very lovely Draper and I couldn't have managed that many holes and screws without him and no blisters today! My dear Dad would have been proud of me. I managed to oik the whole structure through to it's new and preferred site in the front room under the window where I can get wafted with the cool evening air from under the trees - definitely more oxygenated than the air from the patio at the back (my knackered lungs told me so) .... quieter too - we've had the usual noise-pollution from the residents in the large detatched premises down across the lane but today was exceptional - some kind of Jewish rhythm/theme going on down there at a million decibels which gradually reached crescendo as they further imbibed - is it Hanakah or something ?? (And NO I'm not anti-Semitic - I wouldn't have cared what race colour or creed they were - I just can't stand loud selfish noisy people!)
 YER TIS!
This scintillating journal tobe continued ... bet you can't wait!! Saw/watched - well it was just ON actually at some unearthly hour of this morning a tv prog about breast pumps for enlargement - now I'm very anti surgery but I rather liked the sound of this method as no longer having the boobs I was blessed with earlier in life I find myself somewhat wanting in that department - the effect of pumping is relatively temporary to the usual forms of enhancement and augmentation and I rather like the thought of sticking the pump-cups on my chest, putting my feet up for an hour (or even better getting 40 winks) whilst my tits are being lovingly tweaked to 4 cup-sizes bigger!! Then we'd HAVE go out for the evening with me wearing the scoopiest necklin |
Print
